We’ve all been there: noticing someone we know has lost a lot of weight, and complimenting them for it. “Wow, you lost so much weight, you look amazing!” Nothing wrong with this sentence, right?
Wrooooooooong! For so many reasons I can’t begin counting.
On a different note, why not, let’s count them: in this article I would like to brainstorm why, in my view, you shouldn’t be commenting on other people’s weight changes.
Yes, this includes complimenting someone for their weight loss.
Before I start, the usual disclaimer: this is all based on my personal experience, my impressions, my reflections, fueled (or not) by coping mechanisms and patterns of thinking. These words reflect what I think and do not claim to generalize other people’s way of thinking, or reactions. Buckle up, this may be an uncomfortable ride.
As I’ve mentioned in several articles, I wasn’t always overweight. I was an athlete for most of my youth, a sport golden child who then made different life choices, and went down a weight gain path which lasted several years.
My weight jingled up and down, several times, often with extreme transformations, so believe me when I say I KNOW what it feels like being on both sides. I’ve been fit like a fitness model, and obese to the point I wouldn’t fit on an airplane seat; and, let me tell you, I can 100% see the difference in how people treated me.
Not only: I can’t count how many times I stumbled upon someone that maybe I haven’t seen in some time, and they’d be visibly uncomfortable in seeing how I “let myself go”. I can’t really explain it, but that look of pity in their eyes, people that went through the same know what I am talking about.
On the contrary, if I met someone after a long time and after losing weight, the enthusiasm is visible: they want to compliment me, they are visibly impressed and surprised, they say things like “you look so great! You look wonderful! You lost so much weight!” and so on.
Does it bother me? Yes. Why?
Because by complimenting someone only and exclusively when they conform to society’s beauty standards, I receive the message that I’m only worthy of praise when I am perceived as good looking; that my appearance is the only thing that is valued of me as a person. I’m only receiving compliments when I’m fit, therefore it’s the only thing that has value.
Never once from these people I have received compliments on my career, my permanent contract, the publication of my book, for my international moving, for leaving an abusive relationship; no, I only received compliments when I lost weight.
And this is why I’m pissed.
I know it comes from a good place, most of the times: I know, if you did it in the past, that you had good intentions and genuinely wanted to compliment someone for it.
The truth is, you don’t know how the other person may take it, even if they politely smile and say “thank you” because it’s easier to do so, than to explain why a compliment on weight loss may not be a compliment after all.
“Oh so I can’t even make a compliment now?”. Well, depends. Have you ever complimented that person for anything other than appearance? If the answer is no, well, then don’t. Is it the first time after a while that you see that person? Then mind your business.
To all my friends that complimented me on my weight loss last year: it’s not your case. I love and appreciate your support. With this article, I want to offer a different perspective, so the next time you meet someone after a while, and their appearance has changed a lot, perhaps it’s wise to think twice before commenting.
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